warsquirtle:

Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life

Reblogged from Perfect Disaster

beefmilk2:

pansoph:

for chinese new year they get all these famous actors and comedians together and they do a lil show and one of the comedians was like “i was in a hotel in america once and there was a mouse in my room so i called reception except i forgot the english word for mouse so instead i said ‘you know tom and jerry? jerry is here’

jerry is here

Reblogged from Perfect Disaster

hellaoptile:

you know how when you go to a concert or show of some sort and the person on stage is like “HOW’S EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?!?!?!?!” and the audience cheers back? why? you’re not answering the question, you’re just yelling. imagine if we did that in daily conversation. “hey jeff, how are ya?” and jeff just starts screaming and clapping in your face

Reblogged from

buddhawassexy:

"he’s 24 months old" bitch your son is two

Reblogged from 3rd time's a charm

officialschool:

me as a detective

selmabouvier:

i haven’t been to subway in 2 years cos the woman went “what bread do you want” and i went “yeah”

Reblogged from 3rd time's a charm

petparent:

*gets sweaty from blogging*

Reblogged from pizza ✌
Reblogged from call me princess

giraffepoliceforce:

"You can’t just change the race of cultural icons like Captain America! It’s an important part of their identity and message!"

Jesus: Ah yes.

Jesus: Can’t imagine who would do that.

Jesus: What a shame.

Reblogged from pizza ✌